Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation s Porn From Future Ge

For More Breaking News: www.theonion.com/video Jay plays sexy doctor to Tara after she gets a second-degree burn from a blast of scalding hot air. Frank and Erin enjoy a post-sex thank you basket filled with meats and cheeses. Derek mopes through Truth or Dare game. ONION DIGITAL STUDIOS Creative Director: Geoff Haggerty Head Writer: Sam West Writers: Sam Kemmis, Matt Klinman, Michael Pielocik, Chris Sartinsky Writers' Assistant: Matt Powers Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: www.twitter.com/theonion Follow Onion Digital Studios on Twitter: www.twitter.com/oniondigstudios Like the gift basket but missed the sex? Check out Erin and Frank getting busy in Episode 1: bit.ly/LuHJ4d

Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda—not because of his skin color.

Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

Americans say attending a 911 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.

Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.

Experts are still trying to determine the effect of the concentric circles on the long squiggly green objects located in the blue area. More coverage: onion.com

Child safety expert and ex-pedophile Terry Parker drops in on the morning show to share some insider tips from his years spent as a sex offender!

Local police say they have absolutely no information about a missing college student. Alan Fisher investigates the possible rape. More coverage at: www.onion.com

Repeatedly stabbing monkeys with sharpened objects may have an adverse effect on their health, according to a new study. More coverage at: onion.com